Frazzled.

1 32 AM on a Thursday morning. I'm on my phone typing this out, why? Because i can't seem to fall asleep.

I have this panicky feeling in me. Anxious, almost. I honestly don't know where this is coming from. Everything was fine just now. My heart is beating fast, i think. I don't know. I think my body feels like if it went to bed now, something horrible will happen. At least that's what my brain tells me, that says something right? I don't know why I feel so unsafe. And at times like this, I wish I was still a little girl. The little girl who can go to her parents' room and squeeze herself in between both of them. To feel safe, protected, from everything in the world. But sadly, I'm not that little girl anymore.

I know everybody says this but I geniunely feel it right now. Its like I feel exhausted, mentally and emotionally. Not sleepy, just exhausted. I don't know why. Or maybe I do. What am I saying right now?

But right now, besides the anxious, exhausted feeling, I feel numb. I feel like everything around me is moving in lightning speed. Too many things going on, too many feelings to deal with. Maybe I'm at the point where I don't want to catch up with everything anymore. So I stop. Something in me decides to be conpletely oblivious to my surroundings. And I guess that's where the numbness comes from. I feel like everyone around me are getting on with their lives happily, while I'm here. Alone. Maybe I'm just feeling a little lost. A lot, lost.

I'll be fine.
Till next time.

I will not apologize for how I feel or how I act.

When I think of it, I'm not really a friendly person. I like thinking that I am one, but let's face it, I'm not. 

I was, am, never one to start conversation. I don't know, its just something that I don't do, unless I need something. I don't like bothering people when they're on the computer doing whatever they're doing. 

I'm also a really bad conversation starter. I've been told by a bunch of my friends, its not like I'm proud of it. Do you think I choose to be a bad conversation starter? And obviously, I'm really bad at making new friends. People have told me about how I am when I'm around them. Its very.. uninviting. It saddens me, really.

I don't know how to keep my friends. I don't give much effort. I don't know what to do. How do I show emotion without making myself, and my friends feel uncomfortable? I can't even imagine myself doing it. 

I refuse to open up to anyone. I express my emotions in my mind, or maybe sometimes on here. I'm even hesitating to post this.

I don't want to be seen as "weak". I don't like feeling vulnerable.

Why can't I just be numb? I want to just be aware of what is happening, but not have emotion to it. Just so this doesn't happen anymore.

what.

So I haven't been on here in.. forever. So much has changed, so I decided to, too.

Um, the story behind my URL is.. I don't really know. I was thinking of what to change it to because I was totally over hallucinaations. Especially with the 2 a-s. Then, I saw the word myth. So myth-tical just came to my head. You know, like a twist on mystical?

And I changed my background too, I just wanted like a.. clean look. But, the sidebar is darker and emptier because that's the lightest of colors I can get and I took off the chatbox because we all know that it was all filled with spam, and it was just irritating, so I took it off.

Anyway, I'm here because I'm procrastinating. I've had a lot of things I wanted to blog about in the past, but I obviously never got to it.

See you later, alligator.

education

HI YOU GUYS!!!!!!! HEHEHEHE.

no i am not finally updating my blog because i'm sad hehehe. I'm actually feeling pretty ~fly~ today. whaddup.

I think I'm going to say some offensive, harsh things in this post so if you get offended easily, you may leave.

Would you rather date an intelligent, decent looking man, or a dumb hunk? Honestly.

2 years ago, I would've answered dumb hunk. Just because I was that shallow 2 years ago. If you picked the first one, yay. If you picked the second one, shame on you. I mean yes he's hot but i mean, do you really see a future with him if he's not smart? Lets say if you end up marrying him, you'll have to be the one supporting the whole family while he probably would have a job with minimum wage. OR, what if, you're not the brightest person of the lot as well, and both of you get jobs as cashiers at Mc Donalds. Not saying being a cashier at Mc Donalds is wrong, but well.. okay you get what I mean. And then you and your 3 kids end up living in a small little flat for the rest of your lives. Some people would be happy just the way that is, but I wouldn't. Would you?

Moving on.

I don't get why people don't get their priorities straight. Of course, people have different priorities, but at the age of 15, I see people with their boyfriends/girlfriends/crushes as their first priority. What about your family? What about education? Now I'm not saying this shit like I'm a saint or whatever, but guys, just think about it. How sure are you that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are going to stay together ay? And why have a boyfriend/girlfriend if you can't get your grades up? And if you have them as your top priority, what if the relationship ends? Does that mean your life is over? You're just going to try to find a rebound to replace that person, and then you neglect everything else even more. *slow claps for you

OK ONE LAST THING.

Having an ambition and being ambitious are two completely different things. Let me google up the definitions for you.

Ambition : The strong desire for personal achievement.
Ambitious : Intended to satisfy high aspirations.

How i look at it is, ambition is the fact that you want to be a particular occupation in the future. Ambitious is you actually trying to achieve it.  Keyword in the google definitions, Ambition- desire. Ambitious- intended.

You get it? So I know this certain someone, Bob, I asked Bob about his ambition, he said he wanted to be a doctor. Cool yeah okay a doctor. But then if you look at his results, lets say.. it isn't future-doctor standard. Not even close. He knows. But does he try to improve it? Yes. Does he try his hardest? No. And when he flunks his papers, he shrugs it off. I mean he tries, but he doesn't actually try try. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but what I mean is that its great to have an ambition. But what's the point if you're not going to try your best to achieve it? What if you don't get a chance to be a doctor, like how you wanted? Would you be disappointed? Well put the blame on yourself for not studying hard enough. And then regret it while you're at your 9-5 job.

And yes, I understand your future isn't all about your exam slips, but of course, if you're lucky, you could end up getting a really good job with a high pay. But think realistically, what if you're unlucky? And yes, I also do understand that just because you get A+s for everything, it won't ensure that you'll have a high pay with a great job. Yes don't have to start with me with all the stories of Steve Jobs or whatever dropping out of school and still being respectful. They're creative, smart, and i still have to say, lucky.
What I'm trying to say is that if you get good results, there's a higher chance of you being more comfortable when you get older compared to you flunking your papers and all.

If you have any other opinions, feel free to leave it in the chatbox on your left that's filled with spammers. I would love to read them.

Alright I'm done here.

31st January 2012

found a new feature to edit my pictures, my jacked up iPod case and my too short for a dress and too long for a shirt piece of fabric. I apologize for my disgusting legs.

30th January 2012

because I have a camera.

omg gais i'm so insecureee~*~*

HELLO. I AM BACK. AND I HAVE THINGS TO SAY. AND IT IS NOT A SAD TOPIC ( THANK GOD ). Actually, I have 2 different topics to talk about, but I'll just talk about 1 of them today because I've just seen it around. This might sound a tad bit hypocritical but screw it, at least I'm not as bad as some of these people.

I'm talking about how people, girls, most of the time, broadcast the fact that they're insecure to the entire world. I don't know if that made sense. But I was just on Twitter, and I went to a bunch of girls' profile and guess that their bio included? " Insecure ". And I was just scrolling through my timeline and there are girls who's just like " ugh I am so insecure about myself " or something along those lines. I understand that you're insecure. Everyone's insecure about something one way or another, but damn, do you have to tell the world that you're insecure? Is it something to be proud of? In my opinion, no. The last thing you want to be is insecure, and sometimes you can't help it, but instead of trying to fix what you're insecure about, you broadcast how you're insecure to the entire world.  What's the point? What is your motive anyway? To seek attention? To get compliments? To make yourself even more insecure because of the fact your insecure? Why? I don't get it.
" Fake it until you mean it. " I've read something like that somewhere. It basically means that like, if you're unconfident, act like you're confident and one day, just one day, you'll be confident about yourself. I don't know if its true though, but it doesn't hurt to try, does it? So please ladies, stop publishing to the world that you're insecure, because frankly, who cares if you're insecure? And also, guys don't find insecure ladies attractive, ha.

Yeah I've already gave the disclaimer that this post was going to be a tad bit hypocritical but you know, I don't do it THAT often, and usually its just on my blog.

sidenote, happy chinese new year guys! (:
sideside note, IF YOU COUNTED HOW MANY INSECURE-S I USED, YOU DAA BOMB.

academics

Hi. I don't feel very happy right now so you know what to expect.

So yes, it was the first day of school today. Got into the class I wanted. Not going to talk about how I feel about it since its gonna be considered cyberbullying/being bitchy/ talking behind people's back. Hahaha imagine if I actually wrote it down, some people terasa gila, then got drama. Hahaha please bitch. So I'll just complain to real life people. Oh well. 

But, I really do dislike school. Especially this year. With PMR going on and stuff. Even on the first day, when the teachers come in to brief us about stuff, PMR is always on the list. PMR's fine, the expectations aren't. " I expect all of you to get A's. " Yes teacher, we are in a slightly better class, but no, that does not give you permission to expect so much from us. Just because we're a little bit more hardworking than others ( so they say ), doesn't mean we're capable of doing anything and everything. Personally, I don't think I deserve to be in the class I'm in right now. Everyone's hardworking, and I'm just there slacking around. Of course, I want to succeed, I want to get straight A-s too, but do I have the strength to push myself to study hard? I'm not entirely sure of it. So please, stop expecting, stop building the stress on us. You don't need to constantly remind us that we have PMR ahead of us. How in the world would we forget? If you think it scares us, of course it scares us, but do you think its a good thing? Scaring us doesn't necessarily mean that it'll motivate us to study more. People like me, would try to run away from the problem because you guys just constantly scare us. Yes, sometimes, I like being in the class I'm in currently. People in there are smart, and no, I'm not saying that I am. I clearly know where I stand. I'm not as good as them. The people in my class aren't just born smart, ( well maybe some of them are but that's not the point ) I know they thrive for their results, heck, some of them even started studying and are planning to study every single day till PMR. But I know I can't study everyday, even if I plan to, I know for a fact that I can't do it. 

But after PMR, I am going to have fun and I don't fucking care what you say about what I do. 

till next time, byee! 

but honestly I don't want to come back and blog since everytime I blog, its about something unhappy and I'm only here to rant and let it all go.